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South African Jokes

 
SOUTH AFRICAN JOKES

 
The devil goes to South Africa.
There he meets Gatiep and asks:
Do you know who I am?"
Gatiep: "Nay, djy's nie van die PLEK nie, give me a hint."
Devil: "I'm the prince of darkness."
Gatiep: "Oh, djy's 'n bigshot by Eskom"

 
 

A Priest was seated next to Van Der Merwe on a flight to Brakpan.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
Van Der Merwe asked for a Rum and Coke, which was brought and placed
before him.
The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores
than let liquor touch my lips."
Van Der Merwe then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me
too, I didn't know we had a choice."


Submitted by Ella Rabe, Charlotte NC

 
Three jokes uit die Kaap……

The fruit seller walks up to the car and says:
“Peske, Peske. Lekke peskes. Net vyf rand virrie laanie."
The guy in the car says: "Is hulle soet?"
The fruit seller says: "Dja menee, kyk hoe stil sit hulle!!"
 
Three guys selling snoek on the corner shouts:
"Hiers djou snoek"
The guy in the car says:
"Wat vra julle vir daai snoek?"
One guy replies:
"Ons vra hulle niks. Wil djy hulle iets vra?"
 
Gatiep & Maraai steel 'n snoek, en sien toe 'n Polisie man
Gatiep sê: „Sit die snoek onder djou rok!“
Maraai sê: " Dit gaan stink Gatiep!"
Gatiep sê vir Maraai: " Drukkie snoek se nies toe, man!"
 
 

There was a German, an Italian and Van der Merwe on death row.The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap! He was dead.
Then it was Van der Merwe turn , and he said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and Van der Merwe fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy
Then Van der Merwe said, "Give me another one of those shots,"so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"
Van der Merwe replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom."

 
 

A boer went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," he
told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to boere," the salesman replied. He hurried home, took a shower, changed his clothes and combed his hair, then came back and again told the
salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to boere," the salesman replied.
"Bliksem, he recognized me," he thought. So he went for a complete disguise this time,
haircut and new color, shaved off the baard, suit and tie, fake glasses, then waited a few days
before he again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." Sorry, we don't sell
to boere," the salesman replied. Frustrated, he exclaimed "Jislaaik, man! How do you know
I'm a boer?" "Because that's a microwave," the salesman replied.

 
 

Van's two 18-year-old twin daughters
Hettie and Betty are helping Ma van der Merwe redecorate. They're about to paint a bedroom when Ma sticks her head round the door and tells them not to get any paint on their dresses. So the girls decide to paint the room in the nude. Some time later there's a knock on the door. "Who's there?", asks Hettie. "Blind man",comes the answer. The girls look at each other and decide it can do no harm to let him in. Betty opens the door and in walks a bloke with a bundle under his arm. "Nice boobs," says the guy. "Where do you want the blinds?"

 
Many Names are changing in South Africa.......
Cities have new names, provinces changed their names and maybe even the country may change its name soon! From 01 January 2007, the following changes will be made to all Fairy Tales in South Africa as follows:
1. Snow White  - Coal Black
2. Goldilocks  -  Dreadlocks
3. Hansel & Gretel  -  Sipho & Thandi
4. Jack & the Beanstalk  -  Zuma & The Dagga Plant
5. Liewe Heksie  -  Lovely Felicia  
6. Red Riding Hood  -  Riding in the Hood
7.  The Big Bad Wolf  -  e Tokeloshi
8.  The Three Little Pigs  -  Goodness, Gift & Precious
9.  Barbie  -  Modjadji
10. The Little Mermaid  -  The Little Maid
11. The Smurfs  -  The Freedom Fighters
12.  Alice in Wonderland  -  Busi in Gauteng
13.  Cinderella - Cinderfikile
14.  The Emperor’s New Clothes – Mbeki goes Gucci
15.  The Princess and the Pea – Manto and the African Potato
  
 
 

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .

Doctor: "What happened?

"Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...

"Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle"

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.

Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"

 
 

Why so many South Africans are moving to Australia

 

Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting
Bondi Beach, Australia . He spotted a long line of black dots out in the
water and said to an Aussie who was sitting close by, "Meneer, what are
all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," replied the Aussie.

"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark net, mate," the Aussie told him.

"Fucking great country, this!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed.
"We'd never get away with that at home!"

 
Van der Merwe in London........Courtesy of Libby Murphy in Cape Town! 
Van der Merwe goes to London to watch the Boks take on the Poms at Twickenham. Whilst in London, he walks around, gaping and staring at everything. So much so that he walks smack bang into a fire hydrant which hits him so hard on the family jewels that they burst.

He gets rushed to hospital where the doctors tell him they have to remove his testicles.

Van goes berserk: he bites and snarls at every one and he won't let anybody within 10 metres of him. Eventually they find a South African doctor in the hospital and get him to talk to Van.

He walks up to Van and tells him, "Hey Van, die ouens moet jou ballas uithaal."

Van replies "O, okay, ek dog die bliksems wil my test tickets vat."

 
 

Van in Paris
Van goes to the top house of ill repute in Paris.
He goes up to the Madam and asks,.. "I want your best girl !!".
The Madam then calls her top girl, and the two of them go upstairs.
Two minutes later the girl comes down the stairs screaming,
"Nevair ! nevair ! 'ow can you ask me zat ?"
The Madam is absolutely astounded, as that this has never
happened before, but never the less she sends up her second best girl.
Two minutes later the girl also comes down the stairs screaming,
"Nevair ! nevair ! 'ow can you ask me zat ?"
The Madam is now intensely curious, since she has experienced
everything and is totally unshockable, she then decides that SHE must go upstairs and service this client herself.
Two minutes later the Madam also comes down the stairs
screaming, "Nevair ! nevair ! 'ow can you ask me zat ?"
Some guys sitting at the bar and ask her what the hell was going on.

She replies, " 'e vants to pay me in Rands !!!"

 
 

Van der Merwe's pregnant sister and her husband live on a farm in Australia's outback. Soon she gives birth to twins and her husband phones Van in SA to ask him to register their births. He tells Van: "You must register the girl as Denise and the boy as........", but the phone cuts and Van doesn't hear the last name. Van goes off to register the twins and eventually his brother-inlaw phones back to ask him if he's done so.
"Yes, I've registered them. Their names are: 'De Niece and De Nephew".

 
Blonde Joke from Joburg - Courtesy of AmaBoston website!
A blonde walks into a bank in Johannesburg and asks for the loans dept. She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow R10,000...

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the papers and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank manager and its staff all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a R500,000 Rolls as collateral against a R10,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the R10,000 and the interest, which comes to R141.66.

The bank manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow R10,000?"

The blond replies ... "Where else in Johannesburg can I park my car for two weeks for only R141.66 and expect it to be there when I return?"

And everybody thinks blonds are dumb!

 
 

Van from the klein Karroo
goes to Joburg with his old school friend who had been living in Jozi for sometime. His friend, who has become accustomed to night clubs and wild Jozi parties, is a centre of attraction wherever they arrive. He complains to his friend that he felt an outsider and would like to be the THE man at their next stop. Then they come to the party birthday party of this English guy. During toasting everybody raised their glasses to said “cheers”. Van, who was almost sloshed and had problem to comprehend basic English, raised his, too, and raised his voice above everyone else and said “stoele!”

 
Questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the webmaster.
 

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on
TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.


 Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking or sniffing.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad

tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometers. Take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South

Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific. A-fri-ca
is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh
forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow.
Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
 
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
 
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
 
Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
 
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is
illegal
 
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. Good examples of snakes as pets are mambas (both green and black), rinkhals and municipal workers.
 
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated
while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
 
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
 
 
MALEMA: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
MALEMA : Can I take it  tomorrow, tonight is final game.

MALEMA  comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.'

How do you recognize MALEMA  in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases

the board.

Once  MALEMA was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast

announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it
would
be hot.

MALEMA is in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'

MALEMA : Why are all these people running?
Commentator: This is a race, the winner will get the cup
MALEMA:  If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?

Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
MALEMA : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'

MALEMA says to his ser van t: 'Go and water the plants!'
Ser van t: 'It's already raining.'
MALEMA : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'
 
 
Van was on a lekker holiday in Durbs.
One day he heard from his friends that  there was a fancy dress ball, and he could go. The dress theme was to  symbolize a country.

Unsure what to do, he hid in a bush outside the hall and watched what was going on. A woman arrived scantily dressed in a few feathers. When the doorman asked what country she was she said "Turkey", so he said, "Feathers, Turkey, OK you can go in". Another beautiful and shapely woman arrived clad only in a "G" string, her body smeared with oil. She said she was Iran.
"Oil, Iran." OK go in. So then Van sauntered up to the door naked except for a brown paper packet placed over his manhood and said he was from Pakistan.
The doorman could not understand and asked Van to explain:

"Bring daardie twee meisies uit, dan sal jy sien hoe hierdie pakkie staan!!!"


 

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